according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
This came to me in a dream.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.