Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
You Might Also Like
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.