Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

🙀🙀🙀😹

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

I went from rags to one rag.

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”

No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.