Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
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Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I am having an out of money experience.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct