Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.