Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
😂🖐️
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
<—- homeless romantic
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
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