Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
That’s amazing.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)