Cause of death: Zumba
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…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?