Cause of death: Zumba
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone