Cause of death: Zumba
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
i just found this in my phone
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks