Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
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TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Just so funny
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”