Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket