Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Very good news from my accountant

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.