Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip