Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

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Me: please give my compliments to the chef


Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes


Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …


My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.


Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg


My dog just fell off the bed.

I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.


GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?


Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.


The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day


TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no