@mejustbeth

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

@BeagirlNJ

Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”

@onion_an

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

@imteddybless

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

@bossy_bootz

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

@Reverend_Scott

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

@better_off_dad2

My tweets are not to be taken:

• Literally
• Seriously
• Personally
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant

@Cpin42

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

@Ham_Tornado

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.