Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend