Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

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I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.


Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”


Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan


wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard


Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days


Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.


My tweets are not to be taken:

• Literally
• Seriously
• Personally
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant


[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?


Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that


There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.