@mejustbeth

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

You Might Also Like

@AdamBroud

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

@elle91

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

@iGreenMonk

My dog just fell off the bed.

I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.

@TheAndrewNadeau

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

@HomeProbably

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

@Ygrene

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

@FeelingEuphoric

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no