Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.