Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

There’s always that one guy

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi