Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

💀

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

“We ride at dawn”

Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.