CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other