Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

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“Kids, are you asleep?”


*turns off the wifi*



Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think


I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.


There is this absolutely gorgeous girl at my gym but I never know how to start a conversation with her without looking like the annoying dude trying to hit on her while she works out so I’m thinking tonight I’m gonna drop a weight on my foot and ask her to take me to the hospital


I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves


I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?


Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man


“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”


[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year