Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

💀😭

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?