Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

They should make a moral fiber supplement

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

this sign has the same social anxiety i have