Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again