[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
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6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
💯😂