Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂