Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

kitchen magnet

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.