Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

How is it still this week?

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body