Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.
Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
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Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?
God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.