Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
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Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.