@djrogge

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².

@Michabean

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

@jabba_jabba_jaw

Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?

God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.

@SaraMansford

The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.

@PrisonCookies

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

@TweetPotato314

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

@419BillE

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

@squirrel74wkgn

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.