Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

every. time.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.