Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant