Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything