Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
You Might Also Like
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
GM✌🏻
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe