caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
And then there were 4
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
My time has come.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Grandmother clock.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?