caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
(Gaming support cat.)
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.