caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
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Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
the dark web is just a goth google.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*