Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Still a very good boi….

THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.