Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,