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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*