caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
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live, laugh, laundry.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Windchimes
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂