one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.