Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

It’s actually Dr. whatever

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.