Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shampoo implies shampee

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

I occasionally drink every single night.

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!