CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
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BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises