CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
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ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I cannot stop laughing at this
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
No chill.
