Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

My life in a nutshell

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.