caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind![]()
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dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
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“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
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I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.