Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

“what that mouth do?” complain

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

I’ve had worse

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.