Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why I divorced her.

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

sistine chapel

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

A woman drives into a bar.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!