Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
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I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Sign of the day..
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Isn’t
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob