Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
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I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.