Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.