Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”

movies are BACK

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called