Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
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My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous