Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Happy weekend !
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
As a doctor, I can confirm
