Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”

5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”

Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”

5-year-old: “……yeah!”

Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”

😒🤦‍♂️😒🤦‍♂️

Too easy.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

My background check bounced.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me