Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.