[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
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Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
christening a ship with an overripe banana
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.