Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
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911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
