Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
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I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
True?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.