Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
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Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
just witnessed a drug deal
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff