@SamSkoronski

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

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@dshack8

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

@Sheginger

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

@LostFelicia

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

@krisv_723

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

@djderk

I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday

@robo_junkie

I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.

@fatherofcomedy

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

@skin_and_i

Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight