2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday
I want to get arrested by a motorcycle cop just so I can hold him tenderly around the waist on my way to jail.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight