How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
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Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Me: *I begin monk-chanting & performing a number of masterful karate moves*
Banker: No sir I need your written signature
I’ll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.
[sipping Venetian canal water] hmm needs more swan crap
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.