Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?


Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?



M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!


Me: *I begin monk-chanting & performing a number of masterful karate moves*

Banker: No sir I need your written signature


I’ll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.


Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….


9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.


Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.


If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.