Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting