CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons![]()
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I put the hot in psychotic.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
There’s either a lot of cops out today, or I’m under surveillance.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy![]()
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts