CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
You Might Also Like
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
brian had himself a morning…
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
yes… yes…
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.