Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.