Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

He a real one for that

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.