Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job