Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.