Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Okay

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

greetings!

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.