Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

😉

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

😂😂

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

well this is just bullshirt

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

I have more photos of sandwiches on my phone than I do of my children