CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
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I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.