Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

he’s sick of your bullshit today