cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
What
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine