Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

this got me crying😭😭

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

pls suprot