cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
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“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
couldn’t resist
